In a Subjunctive Mood

In the “what am I doing during summer vacation” department … For the past several summers, I have worked as a teaching assistant in a College Writing (now called Writing For College) class here at Marist. My role in the class, as throughout the year, is as a proofreader; I correct grammar and punctuation. I won’t go on a rant here about the death of proper syntax among college students, for fear of seeming like an old fuddy-duddy. However, there is one aspect of grammar that seems to be lost on many writers under the age of, say, 40 years old. And that is the subjunctive tense or subjunctive mood. The thing about subjunctive is that, unless your ear is trained for it to sound correct, it sounds incorrect.

Example:

The correct subject/verb agreement in the following sentence is this: I was going for a run earlier in this brutal heat.

However, in the subjunctive, it goes like this: If I were going for a run in this heat, I had better stay hydrated.

In the second sentence, “I were” sounds wrong … unless you know it sounds correct.

While it is foolhardy to turn to rock ‘n roll for grammar lessons (“I ain’t got no satisfaction” ??), the following song lyrics below from Creedence Clearwater Revival (CCR) called “Penthouse Pauper” is an excellent lesson plan for the subjunctive. It played on my sweaty iPod shuffle this morning …

Now, if I were a bricklayer,
I wouldn't build just anything;
And if I were a ballplayer,
I wouldn't play no second string.
And if I were some jewelry, baby;
Lord, I'd have to be a diamond ring.

If I were a secret, I never would be told.
If I were a jug of wine, my flavor would be old.
I could be most anything,
But it got to be 24-karat solid gold.

If I were a gambler, you know I'd never lose,
And if I were a guitar player,
Lord, I'd have to play the blues.

If I were a hacksaw, my blade be razor sharp.
If I were a politician, I could prove that monkeys talk.
You can find the tallest building,
Lord, I'd have me the house on top.

I'm the penthouse pauper;
I got nothin' to my name.
I'm the penthouse pauper; baby,
I got nothing to my name.
I can be most anything.
'cause when you got nothin' it's all the same.

Of course, there are plenty of other examples of bad grammar in this song (I wouldn’t play no second string … ??). But the subjunctive shines through here. By the way, it’s a GREAT song, listen here if you want.

Class dismissed.